We’ve all heard the saying, “Feel your feelings.” It’s good advice, especially when it comes to understanding ourselves. We’re often told that feelings are data, but here’s the problem: by the time we’re adults, the way we interpret that data – the legenda (“interpretive key”) we use to decode our feelings – can be deeply skewed.
The result? The data we pull from our emotions is sometimes inaccurate, misleading, or simply wrong.
Let me share two stories that illustrate this point.
Story One: The Spiral of Self-Doubt
Imagine you’re working for a boss who’s overly critical. Every piece of feedback you receive is laced with harsh judgment, and over time, it starts to wear you down. Your self-esteem takes a hit, and naturally, so does your performance. This fuels the cycle: the lower your confidence, the less motivated and effective you become, which only seems to validate your boss’s criticisms. With each round of feedback, the criticism feels sharper and your resilience weaker, creating a spiral that leads you to doubt your own abilities.
Now, at this point, you’re hurt, frustrated, and convinced that your boss is simply cruel. The discomfort of his criticism reinforces this view, making it easy to believe that his lack of empathy and tact reflect something fundamentally wrong with you. So, you internalize this feeling, seeing it as a legitimate assessment of your self-worth. The legenda you’re applying – formed by past experiences, belief systems, and personal insecurities – interprets the situation as a clear confirmation that you’re simply not good enough.
Over time, this interpretation seeps into how you view feedback in general. Criticism of any kind stings deeply, and you become sensitive to any sign of disapproval. This legenda leads you into a pattern of feeling trapped, undervalued, and increasingly powerless. In this story, the negative feelings and the interpretation of those feelings shape a reality where you end up feeling like a victim.
Story Two: Embracing Feedback with Growth in Mind
Now, let’s imagine the same scenario – a boss who’s critical, whose feedback lands with little tact or empathy. You still feel hurt by the feedback; the lack of consideration in his delivery stings, and it’s hard not to take it personally. But this time, you take a moment to dig a little deeper. You acknowledge that while it feels uncomfortable, there may be an element of truth in his criticism. Perhaps his approach is poor, but he may be pointing out something you could improve on.
In that pause, you also consider that he may lack training in giving feedback. Perhaps he’s rough around the edges, a leader with expertise but limited people skills. You start to see him as imperfect – a person who, like everyone else, has his own areas for growth. By shifting the legenda – that internal interpretive key you’re using to make sense of the situation – you take in the feedback as information without letting it tear down your self-worth.
This choice not only reframes the criticism but also changes your approach to feedback moving forward. Instead of avoiding or fearing feedback, you decide to view it as a gift, an opportunity to grow. With this legenda in place, you begin interpreting similar situations with an open mind, and criticism becomes less of a threat and more of a tool for self-improvement. The initial feeling of hurt remains, but you’ve allowed yourself to look beyond it, to find meaning beneath the surface.
A Quick Note on Bad Bosses
If you recognise yourself in the first story, this is not to say that there aren’t plenty of bad bosses out there – unfortunately, that is also a reality. I’m using these two stories because they’re both true, extreme examples of people I’ve worked with. And I’m using them to help drive the point home. But I don’t want to come across as unsympathetic. If you’re dealing with a truly toxic environment, a micromanager, or even a bully, of course, I’m not saying that’s your fault.
These examples are here to widen the perspective and encourage us to ask better quality questions when we experience negative emotions at work.
How We Interpret Feelings Shapes Our Reality
The truth is, feelings are not facts. And if we interpret them with the wrong legenda, the story we create can lead us down a path that reinforces victimhood, helplessness, and frustration. But when we take the time to question those feelings, to dig deeper into why we’re interpreting them in a certain way, we can discover that much of the data we’re pulling from them is warped or incomplete.
Think about it: How often do you react to a feeling without questioning it? How often do you assume that the way you feel must reflect reality? But reality is more nuanced than that.
Learning to Lead Ourselves
This isn’t to say that your feelings are invalid – far from it. But they need to be carefully examined and understood in the context of your own subconscious filters. What past stories are shaping the way you see the present? Why are you interpreting feedback as criticism, or assuming that someone doesn’t like you when they may simply be preoccupied with their own challenges?
This is where self-leadership comes in. Leaders are human, and no one – no matter their title – has a perfect grasp of every situation. As individuals, we need to step up and manage not just our work but how we navigate the emotions that come with it.
Instead of letting our feelings dictate our reality, we need to learn to lead ourselves. That means having the tough conversations, questioning the stories we tell ourselves, and recognising that our feelings are only one part of a much bigger picture.
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